Just in case you forget what he looks like

Four Houses

Two Jags

One Floating Palace!

The Silly News can reveal that the beleaguered Deputy PM, John Prescott has use of a luxury floating palace. Not only was the vessel obtained at tapayers expense many young women have been kidnapped to crew the vessel.

The luxury vessel named the "The Hypocrite" is normally berthed at Hull docks in the heart of Mr Prescott's constituency, Mr Prescott runs depraved cruises for his cabinet friends out into the North Sea. The vessel was originally a Royal Navy minesweeper, HMS Elland Road. During defence cutbacks the deputy PM claimed the warship had been sold to Nepal, in fact he kept the vessel for himself. Over £7 million of national lottery funds were spent re-fitting the boat to Mr Prescotts' specifications. Luxuries such as a swimming pool, bar, snooker room and jacuzzi were installed, nearly £400,000 was spent on a marble floor alone. Prescott as a keen environmentalist was keen that the polluting diesel engines be removed. The vessel is now powered by human muscle, dozens of young female prisoners from across the country were procured by cabinet chum & Home Secretary Jack Straw to work as galley slaves aboard the vessel.

Michelle, front row centre, toils below decks while Prescott and his friends enjoy the high life above.

One such victim was Michelle Rowley, 22 from Coventry. " I was doing 6 months for speeding 34 in a 30 zone in Styal prison, Cheshire. One day I was told I was to be transferred, me and 8 other girls were bussed to Hull. We were stripped naked and chained to oars on this boat. I had been aboard a week before I saw Mr Prescott, I recognised him immediately and thought he'd rescued us. He was in a rage and said we were a bunch of lazy bitches and that if anyone was caught slacking they would be thrown overboard.On another occaison Prescott promised a week away from the oars for anyone willing to have sex with Robin Cook, of course none of the girls agreed. I wanted the world to know how we were being treated so I managed to take a photo. On somedays John Prescott came down and chose one of the girls, we never saw them again", sobbed Michelle who later escaped by stealing a jet-ski from the vessel. Fearing reprisals, Michelle is now staying at a safe house in Scotland.

Presott still hasn't forgotten his soaking at the '98 Brit awards

One of the first acts on aquiring the Hypocrite was the abduction & murder of Danbert Nobacon of the pop group Chumbawamba. The Deputy PM had sworn revenge after the notorious water throwing incident at the 1998 Brit awards. Mr Nobacon was performing in Hull last May, he was lured to the Hypocrite with promises of cocaine. Once aboard John Prescott knocked the pop star out with chlorophyl, when the luxury yacht was far out in the North Sea, the star was made to walk the plank while the Deputy PM howled with laughter.

John Prescott had blacked out windows fitted to one of his jags, he cruises around and identifies young women he admires. The girls are then abducted and placed onto the Hypocrite. They are then subject to sexual abuse from Prescott and his cronies. Being a class warrior, Prescott prefers to snatch upper class women, particularly from tory constituencies, South Kensington being a particular target.

Dawn Farrow-Buckley, 24 from Chelsea was abducted on her way home from a night club "I remember walking home, the next thing I woke up aboard this boat. I was subject to continual abuse, I almost became a zombie. Prescott and his mates did horrible things to me, matters came to a head when I was forced to have sex with Robin Cook, it was so terrible I jumped overboard. Luckily I clung to an oil barrel that was floating in the sea and was rescued by a trawler. When I reached dry land I informed the police, they said they would investigate. Since then I've heard nothing - I think they've been lent on by Prescott"

Drugs are frequently used aboard the Hypocrite. Contacts in forensic labs ensure only the highest quality drugs are secretly taken from drugs seizures. A wide spectrum from cannabis through to crack cocaine are stowed aboard, the Deputy PM frequently uses LSD prior to devising his policies.

Prescott found the vessel to be a godsend during the recent petrol blockade. Whilst ordinary Britons were stranded , Prescott enjoyed a week-long cruise to Holland, while supermarket shelves were empty he gorged himself on caviar, truffles, fois grois and other expensive stuff. He brought back 150,000 litres of petrol aboard "the Hypocrite" half was reserved for his jags, the other half was sold on the black market for five pounds a litre

We contacted Labour HQ concerning these allegations, a spokesmen said "Fucking hell, this is serious". Tony Blair was more forthcoming in his support "John Prescott is a hardworking minister with a wide portfolio, clearly he needs to relax" he then joked "John does sometimes go a little far with his experiments on transport innovations"

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