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The Queen defeats a challenger at the World Judo championship held in Skegness

Her Majesty takes up the martial arts

We can exclusively reveal that her Majesty has been taking lessons in the martial arts. The Queens interest was sparked by a little known confrontation at a reception held at Balmoral last June. According to our source "The function had been going for around an hour, the background chatter of small talk was suddenly interrupted by the sound of a glass smashing followed closely by two women shouting. I looked across the room and Her Majesty and Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands were squaring up to each other, as bodyguards rushed to the scene the Dutch queen struck our Queen across the face with a clenched fist. British bodyguards together with their Dutch colleagues soon separated the two catfighting queens. As they were ushered away they both continued to yell obscenities and spit at each other". It is rumoured that the argument centred on the 2 countries respective football teams.

Our Queen came of the worst, she suffered a swollen lip, while Queen Beatrix was unhurt. Queen Elizabeth vowed there would be no repetition and decided to learn unarmed combat. Former UK judo champion Brian Jacks was summoned to the palace to devise a training program for her majesty.

According to Brian "the Queen wished encompass several styles from around the world, I drew from all the main martial arts : kung-fu, karate, judo, kenco, thai boxing and tae kwan do. I was amazed at how quickly her majesty picked up the techniques, on the first lesson she was able to deliver kicks at head height and within a few lessons she could smash housebricks with a single punch and stuff like that"

Palace officials expected the martial arts to be a flash in the pan that would wear off once the brouhaha over the incident with Queen Beatrix had died down. If anything it has turned into something of an obsession with the Queen. Even parts of Buckingham palace have been turned over her new interest. The main reception room now features a large punch bag where the Queen greets visiting dignitaries with a display of kick boxing. According to one palace aide, last summer at a banquet to cement Anglo-Soviet relations, Boris Yeltsin had a few too many vodkas and tried to emulate our Queen on the punch bag, unfortunately Boris got a little over enthusiastic and had to be treated for a groin strain.

The Queen has also bought a large number of martial arts related paraphernalia. She has quite a collection of kung-fu films which she watches endlessly, she's known to watch the videos with the sound turned down and make the sound effects herself. During her travels the Queen has exploited the fact that she's unlikely to be stopped by customs officials to amass an array of illegal implements. Her favourite item is a set of nunchuka's (usually known as rice flails) bought in Taiwan, she has got quite adept with them. However she recently had an accident with the nunchuka's resulting in serious damage to an 18th century chandelier at Windsor castle.

A dungeon in the Tower of London awaits should Ronal Koeman enter the UK

It is widely believed in Royal circles that Queen Elizabeth still feels strongly about the elimination of the England football team from the World cup by Holland in October 1993. In particular she is incensed about Ronald Koeman, she believe's he should have been sent off for a foul on David Platt minutes before he scored from a free-kick, indeed she's set aside a dungeon in the Tower of London in case Mr Koeman enters the UK. Since the incident at Balmoral the Queen has net yet come face to face with Queen Beatrix. Security chiefs breathed a sigh of relief when England were elimanated from the Euro 2000 competition, it is only a question of time before the royal rivals meet again

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